Sunday, October 25, 2009

Everyone is doing it

It seems like everyone’s blogs these days are so much more thought oriented than story oriented. It’s all about what people are thinking and how they feel. Do I really have to guts to express what is going through my head right now. I’m just going to vent, so you don’t really have to read this, it isn’t going to be too interesting.

First of all, I drive myself crazy. I hate that I cannot be perfect! I know that is stupid to let myself get stressed out about that, but I can’t help it. I spend so much time worrying about things these days. I know it won’t make me any more productive to stress out, but the stress just doesn’t go away. Here is what I am stressed about.

1) SCHOOL: I love being able to study what I want. I am actually really enjoying my classes. The only problem is I don’t have a whole lot of time to study. I can’t finish all of my homework, and so now I am a little behind. Just the thought about how much work I have to catch up on makes me tired. High School was SO easy, I never studied, and I usually got the highest grades on tests and assignments. BYU is the complete opposite. I am no longer on the of the smarter ones. I am average, maybe even below average sometimes. I can study (usually the night before a test) and I will still get a horrible grade. Even the class that I am staying caught up in and actively studying for I’m not doing so well in. Maybe I should cut back my hours at work. I am a horrible student.

2) WORK: I don’t know where to start. I actually enjoy my job on most days. I work at a call center, so it isn’t the most fun job ever, but it gives me enough money that I can play around with. I LOVE the people that I work with, which is good because I don’t have time for a social life outside of work. The thing that bothers me about my job is there is no room for me to move up. I was promoted last year, and then I was “demoted” (with out a pay cut so my boss says I can’t call it that). Now I guess they won’t promote anyone who isn’t working at least 40 hours a week. I work about 34-35 hours a week, and there is no way that I can find the time to work 5 more. It is just frustrating, I know that I am capable of doing so much more than what I am doing now, but there is nothing I can do to move up. So, I don’t even really try anymore, I know my stuff so I don’t have to really worry about losing my job, but I don’t feel like there is a point in going beyond what is asked. I suck as an employee.

3) SOCIAL LIFE: This pretty much doesn’t exist. I can’t say that I don’t have any friends, cause I do. I just don’t have time for them. I am a terrible friend! I feel bad, because one of my friends will ask me to do a favor for them. I really would love to, but there is no way for me to find room in my schedule. I feel like I am always bailing on people, telling them that I have to do homework instead of hanging out with them. It’s true, I always do have homework or studying to do, but it is also rude to bail on people. (What do you know, I am just as bad about bailing on people as my dad is) I am a flakey friend.

4) FAMILY: I don’t have a relationship with hardly anyone in my family.

  • I hardly ever talk to Kelci, and we live in the same house. I think I see her maybe 3 days a week and usually it is in passing. Most days the only communication we have is a text that says “I borrowed your jacket, I will put it back in your closet when I get home.”
  • I don’t even remember the last time that I even talked to my dad or Jason, they both seemed to have dropped of the face of the earth. But it isn’t like either of them would ever notice, and it isn’t like I make any sort of effort.
  • I do feel like I have a pretty good relationship with Jocelynn though. I work with her so we have something in common, and I love being able to see her everyday. It is nice to work with family.
  • My mom, I have a pretty good relationship with. She usually lets me talk her ear off on my drive home from work everyday. (45 minute drive) She stays pretty up to date with all the things going on in my life.
  • When it comes to Bryce, I am a complete failure. I seriously SUCK as a sister. I never make an effort to go see him. I feel really guilty about that. I drive past his freeway exit everyday. It’s not like it would be hard to stop by once a week or every other week for 15 minutes on my way home from work. I feel especially guilty right now, he is in the hospital right now. He has pneumonia and swine flu… he’s hooked up to a ventilator, and I can’t go visit because I am sick, and I would hate to make it worse. I hate how often he is in the hospital, and I try to convince myself that I don’t worry about him getting better. But I do worry, I am scared every time he gets admitted. Yet, when he gets out I still don’t make an effort to spend time again… I am a Failure as a sister.

5) CHURCH: I hate that I hate church. I didn’t used to hate it, but then I got a miserable calling. I know that you receive blessings when you fulfill a calling, but my calling seriously makes me cry. I just finished the ward directory, if anyone has ever done that before then you will understand my pain. I don’t have time to do my homework, and I definitely don’t have time to spend hours every week making flyers and trying to figure out a ward website. I asked to be released, and the response? Pray about it. I just want to give up right now, I don’t have the energy and I am starting to resent church. I am a awful Mormon.

6) EVERYTHING ELSE: I don’t have time to keep up with keeping my area clean. If you come to my house the basement is a disaster. I can’t stand that it is messy, it absolutely drives me nuts. I don’t have the energy to clean it up. I don’t know how it gets messy. The majority of it is clothes and school papers, but I don’t know what to do with it, I don’t know how to organize it. I am not very good at my housekeeping.

Why can’t I be perfect? Why can’t I have the energy to get everything done that I need to get done? Why? Why? Why? Because I am human, that’s why. I know that, but for some reason I still have the need to prove myself. I am sick of failing in every aspect of my life. I want to be a better person than I am. I want to be “perfect” or as close to that as I can possibly get. My mom always says that I am too hard on myself, maybe that is true, but maybe that is what I need to be a better person.

ps. I know that I have a good life, and I really can’t complain. I just feel so inadequate to handle just everyday stress.

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